The life of a Poisonous soul, Genevieve.

NO. call me that & I will cut your tongue. 

I hate it when my sister, @AContagiousSoul, calls me “Genny”. All I can think about is a fish. Yes, a fish. It sounds like something you will name your fish too.

And when I told her she continued BUT this time while saying that she did a fishy face.

This is something that never changed through the years. at least this has always stayed the same…

Oh, this picture. It’s a screen-shot from the family videos we have.

How I miss my parents running around after us to capture the moments that should become memories…

Until christmas eve & I’m not even done shopping yet!

My god, sure. December is one of my favorites month/holidays ever but I really don’t like all this stress about. well, yeah…everything. Specially now without my family complete. 

Things would be SO much easier with them right now...& always. 

[sighs] that was mostly it my father used to say to me when my sister & I were hanging out/playing near/with him.

Roxy is..were our fathers favorite. He made that very clear even though he denied it each & every time I tried to tell him.

He always made her feel..I don’t know, special? Like she was his only real daughter.

It was always Roxy or my mother that made him laugh & smile a little bit louder  & brighter than normal.

Don’t let us get misunderstood here. I love my father. A lot. But who could blame him for loving my sister more?

She were a perfect, she still is. Always did as she was told, not because she felt forced to, because that was just her personality.

She had her career, love, good-looking & confidence.Everything.

~ I guess I should’ve been more like that… ~

Meanwhile I stood there: nothing on my table. No career (’cause reading & writing my own things were my passion: like my mother) No love (’cause I had my books & movies about it & that was enough for me) Not good looking & more like insecure.

When he asked me to do something – It always felt more like an order. I…well, I was a rebel to him back then…

he should have seen me now.

But my point is, if dad ever got a chance to answer the question about who he was mosthappy to have & proud of he wouldn’t even think it through for a second before saying with a bright smile: “Roxy” …

Roxy were pure. original. only in a million. in my fathers eyes, and therefore proud to be her father.

I guess I should’ve been more like her…

This is why I rather take small naps then really going to sleep. like depth. I dream…& mostly it’s not happy dreams or nightmares, which I rather prefer! It’s about my family.

This time it was about Dan…the day after we got the news about our parents. That day when I was just sitting there on the couch at home, looking at old family videos all day. with a blank face expression.

At the end of the day Dan came back home from work. He just sat down next to me, wrapped one arm around me & leaned in…I didn’t cry, ’cause I knew that I least had them. I just feltsafe again.

I just wish he & Roxy would have worked things out, tried a lot harder to get along…

So he could be here right now, holding me & saying things will get better when my sister isn’t’ near by.

I guess, I just miss him with my whole heart. 

- I think that’s the thing I miss the most at night. Before going to sleep. Her voice. All that I hear now is “turn the light off, Gen!” from my sister across the room.

I’m not a big fan of reading romantic books (novels/fairytales, anything to do with love,dreams & hopes really) like my mother used to do. I mostly let her read all those stuff to hear her voice. To feel safe to fall asleep. Or to dream about my own fairytale based on the one she just told me about.

But I guess I do it myself now ’cause it makes me feel closer to her.

‘Cause you’re the only family I have left.